hello everyone! I am new to this group and I would like to share my story.
I never really fit in, I was always my own person, with plenty of quirks. So naturally, all throughout school I was ridiculed. But for me, that wasn't the worst part. I am a sophomore in college now, and ever since 5th grade, every person I have ever trusted has betrayed and abandoned me. As per usual, things end badly, with hurtful words. I am one who always took those words to heart. The first couple times it happened, I was able to just brush it off. But then doubts began to fill me, could I really be as horrible as they said? In time, as friend after friend after friend abandoned me, I became convinced of it. After all, it had exceeded the point of coincidence. All these disastrous failed relationships, friendship and romance alike, and all had rejected me. I was the only common factor so that meant I must be the problem. I took all their hurtful words to heart and truly believed that I was this terrible person. Time and time again I got my hopes up only to be disappointed again. I hated myself, so it was no surprise to me when everyone who ever got close to me felt the same.
I am someone who gives far too much of myself away. If a friend, or even a vague acquaintance has a problem I will drop everything to help them as best as I can. I was a doormat, happy for any attention whatsoever, even when it meant I was treated terrible. I felt unworthy of even that so I tolerated it willingly. I learned when I was very young that a mask of confidence was necessary, that to show emotion was nearly fatal. Those who did eventually get close to me found all too quickly that the mess of a girl behind the mask was too much to handle. So they left, leaving yet another scar behind.
9 years of this, over and over again. Then things changed. I had a wonderful boyfriend who loved me despite it all, and a best friend who cared just the same. This story is of the friend. It took him months to gain my trust and there were so many hoops he had to jump through in order to see what a trainwreck I truly was. But he tried to help. I started to feel better about things and I truly believed that against all the odds he really wasn't going to hurt me and leave me as the others before had. Then came a time when he pulled away from me. I told myself that I was merely imagining things, my old paranoia coming back to haunt me. I gave him chance after chance as he gave perfectly reasonable explanations. Then after months of this, he delivered the news that he had at last found love. I was taken by surprise when he revealed it was a mutual acquaintance of ours and that it had happened because they had both been having tough times in their lives and they had helped each other through it. I knew I should be happy for him, and to some extent I was, but all I could see was the admittance of his betrayal. He had truly been lying to me all this time. I tried to forgive him, but nothing changed and so at last I couldn't take pretending things were fine between us. So there was a mutual parting of ways between us, the end of our close friendship. Shortly after he came to blame me entirely for the situation, offering cruel words and then, despite promises to fix things, he simply pretended I didn't even exist. It was then that I realized something very important.
I realized that all the hurtful things people had said to me over the years were easily just as ridiculous as his delusional accusations had been. All this time, it had taken a grossly exaggerated situation to understand that others' words were just as wrong. All my life I had believed when people had put me down that their words were true, painful and unexpected, but true. Now I understand that people just can't handle the burden of being at fault and so they pass the blame off onto the other person. I internalized those feelings and allowed them to control my life. People only have power over us if we give it to them. Once we have, it is so hard to take that power back, but you can do it and you can begin to feel good about yourself again. One of my (many) favorite songs says "Falling is easy, it's getting back up that becomes the problem, if you believe you can't find a way out then you've become the problem... if you believe you can find a way out then you've solved your problem." (Falling by Staind). This is so true, once you believe in yourself, and believe that you can find a solution then things will be okay. You can't change situations, you can't change how people feel or act, and you will get hurt and disappointed. But you can change how you look at it and how you deal with it. Just remember to stay true to yourself and never allow anyone to make you feel small or less. Most importantly, don't let others or your past rule your present and future. People will come and go in your life, and bad things will happen, but if you don't close yourself off, there will be so many good things too.
I hope that my story can help someone else. If so much as one person can benefit from my words and my story, then everything I have been through will have been worthwhile. Thanks for listening, Best wishes to all of you.